Post #88 11 January 2016

Gentlefolk,

It's time for a little frivolity.

Let's have some fun with English.

Here are some sayings and definitions I found on the web - still considering if/when/how to discuss these with my English Major classes next semester ...

Enjoy!

Sayings, with a twist

My favorite is the first one, but the others are pretty good too:

Before you criticise someone, you should walk a kilometer in their shoes ... that way, when you criticise them, you're a km away and you have their shoes.

Always remember you’re unique … just like everyone else.

If at first you don’t succeed … skydiving is not for you.

No one is listening … until you fart.

Don’t worry …  it only seems kinky the first time.

If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead … try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

If you lend someone $20 and never see them again … it was probably well worth it.

Some days you are the bug … some days you are the windscreen.

There are two theories about arguing with women … neither works.

Sex is like air … it’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.

Never … take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead; do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow; do not walk beside me for the path is narrow … in fact, just piss off and leave me alone!

Good judgement comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad judgement.

and related,

Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

Definitions, with a twist

ADULT:  A person who has stopped growing at both ends, and is now growing in the middle.

 BEAUTY PARLOUR:  A place .. where women curl up and dye.

CHICKENS:  The only animals you eat ... before they are born and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:  A body that ... keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:  Mud with .. the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:  Someone ... who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:  Cold Storage.

INFLATION:  Cutting money in half ... without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:  An insect ... that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:  A grape ... with a sunburn.

SECRET:  Something you tell ... to one person at a time.

SKELETON:  A bunch of bones ... with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:   The pain ... that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:  One of the ... greatest labour-saving devices of today.

YAWN:  An honest opinion ... openly expressed.

 

WRINKLES:  Something other people have ... that are similar to my character lines.

Prose, with a twist

Every year English teachers across the USA collect analogies, similes and metaphors found in high school essays. Here are some examples ...

Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Texas beef.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM machine.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

 The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 pm instead of 7:30.

 Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

 The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

 They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

 John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

 He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

I laughed so hard tears flowed, like Atlas peeing into the Red Sea.


Isn't English a wonderful, crazy, fabulous language!!!!

...

That's it for this post.

Best wishes, keep well and keep smiling.

Alex & Vera Olah (aka The Intrepid Duo)
English teachers at the China University of Petroleum, Qingdao
www.upc.edu.cn
Monday, 11 January 2016